Dear Diary,
I'm finally here for my 2009 reflections. I know im pretty late, seeing how at least a dozen of my web friends have had their reflections posted. A few weeks ago, when i started to think about what to write, i had so many things to pen down. but right now, i think i can only rattle on a few. why's that?
anyway. first resolution. to have a peaceful state of mind and mental well-being! i really understood the importance of this this year. my first 'celebrity' melt-down! to all who didn't know/weren't at ish in july, i walked out of my exam hall 15mins after math paper commenced. i know, maths is like a subject that id ace in. surprising right! yeah it wasn't just that day. my melt down lasted more like a few months. i can remember how i was talking to father pereira at nallur, crying my eyes out, while everyone was mugging chem for the next day. then came doing my papers at the library alone during holidays. then came the empty/unfinished progress report. blah blah. but after all these months of intercession, being with family and friends, i think ive emerged refreshed and victorious! recently, father pereira and i met, and he said ive this new glow about me. it seems that i really let it all go. while i don't know if i really let EVERYTHING go, i do feel lighter (not by weight gah) but in mind. mental well being. thats my first priority. i'd try not to have bouts of panic/uncertainty and all that crap, god forbid.
second resolution. to have better social ties. i'm talking about strengthening my relationships with family and friends. all my life, it seems that i can never hold on to a friendship for longer than 5 years. it either dissolves in a fight, or we all just lose contact gradually. through happenings like meltdowns and times when i was in need, i really realized who mattered and who didn't. those 'friends' whom i hung out with, but never breathed a single word asking about my well-being knowing that something happened to me aren't worth my attention/love at all. i truly saw who cared. so, this year, id aim to make efforts, go all out in sustaining current relationships and reviving lost ones.
there are some other mundane/common resolutions apart from the above:
-have a fit lifestyle, exercise and lose weight!
-manage my finances better
-curb any urge for impulse buys. i dont' really shop anymore. the only things i splurge on are food. i am a girly girl with an appetite of a boy.
-get into a good college/course (of course) and assimilate myself into this new system
-stop being a baby. start to earn money and rely less on parents (hah suck on that)
-plan more. as in schedules and monthly plans. so make better use of time
-don't get so hooked on tv/internet
-clean my room/house more often aka don't be a lazy couch-potato fat ass bitch
-be less envious/jealous but more appreciative/thankful. in essence, don't compare with others but only myself (yeah be more self-centred hah)
-don't get mind-tricked so easily
-party more? (okay this is a bit contrary to what other people might say)
these are all that i can think of right now. instead of ranting, id like to say some other things.
to 09S06E, i'm really thankful i had you as a class. Honestly, i didnt feel contented being matriculated into this class as it was one of the 'lousier' classes. with my results, i wanted to go to some other better class. i didn't care what others said about the level of competition/stress in those better class, as i thought id experienced everything in 4BN already. Now i really regret my initial thinking. It may seem as a tradeoff, less stellar results in return for awesome class. now id never want anything more. everyone tells me how much they envy our class. the frequent class outings, great turn out, always eating together as a class, great bonding not in cliques, but as one big family. although we kinda drifted apart with the onslaught of exams and stress, and started to stick with 'the same people', in the end, we still survived as a family. i am proud to say that i can chat with ANYONE in the class. the challenge that awaits us would be the different paths that everyone will walk on. boys going to army, people pursuimg studies overseas, and the lack of chances to be together and meet up. i really really hope we'd stay as one big family. everyone, make efforts okay? i love ya'll/
to rjc, i never really saw you as rijc. the name just never stuck with any of us. thank you for bringing me into this environment where i saw the bigger picture, got exposed to such rigorous academic journeys and met so many people. you made me come out of my cocoon. i remember taking my first step into rjc in jan 08 in my china-looking all-white uniform. i really hated it here cos i only saw two groups: white-pap boys and blue pinafored girls. i was so alone and i REALLY wanted to cry. then you debunked all the myths of elitism and pathetic rumours about this school. never once was i stereotyped or made fun just because i wasn't 'pure-bred'. instead, everyone treated me so well and were so friendly. you also made me realize that i wasn't the best damn thing in the whole world. you made me meet the real geniuses, who are surprisingly not flamboyant about it at all. before coming to rjc, i never knew what were the sats, i never knew what econs was and i never attended lecture-style lessons (except for sucky ss in secondary school). oh i also finally got to meet non-chinese people for the first time in 5 years. in sacps, i met malays, indians, eurasians, caucasians. in cchms i only met chinese and made so much racist jokes i felt bad. then in rjc, i met vietnamese, malaysians etc. it was real cosmopolitan. although i think it was my fault that i never got into any good projects/programmes, i appreciated the opportunities you gave me. maybe it would be better if you made them more obvious/accessible to every single student? the raffles journey, albeit short and face-paced, was the ride of my life. im really amazed how relatives and family friends go wow and gaga when they hear im from there. branding huh! but one thing, i do not fancy the extreme level of competition/stress in this school. everyone's so rich/smart that sometimes i felt like a stupid pauper. well, nothing's ever perfect by the way...
to one friend, i am aware of all the efforts and concern you've showered me these past few years. im really sorry for all the disappointment/confusion/sadness ive put you through. you probably still don't understand why, but perhaps someday when we're all clear-headed, i'll tell you the exact story. then you will start to piece everything together and know that it's a sham/utter mistake. you'd probably hate me for that too. you really should let your journey materialize, im all for that. everyone would probably feel that its vague or it doesnt make sense. well, it will be for the intended subject.
anyway, something happened today. when i tapped my ez link card, it beeped like how an adult card would. damn, i didn't treasure the special beeps when i was a student! suddenly, i felt a huge sense of realization that im an 'adult' now. every thing would cost more and yet i am still financially dependent on my parents. i really feel bad taking money from them. now i really understand how everything 'hurts' when i start to pay everything myself. one thing to learn from westerners: come out of your cocoon at a young age. toughen yourself up. singaporeans are seriously too sheltered and pampered...
im almost done with my reflections. i can say that these 2 weeks were e most eventful ones in my life!
-visiting popo
-christmas dinners and christmas per se
-dance/baking/cooking
-4bn gathering
-6e gathering
-hanging out with cousins
-chillin at yiting's. julie and julia! (ultimate movie for all 3 foodies)
-6e countdown hotel party. in summary, lau pa sat, paul's phone call, learning new card games, countdown, squeezing in bed, staying up the whole night, horrible movie = ultimate experience and longest class outing ever (apart from class chalet!))
before i embark on the tumultous and long uni journey to be a banker so i can say this-
mummy: why you owaes take money fom mi? u think i banker print money ah!
me: yeah, im really a banker. suck on that!
id also want to do all these before i start school:
-bake more, cook more exotic meals esp scandinavian!
-go on an overseas trip of course. papa....
-buy more working/formal clothes (no more teeny bopper type)
-learn driving! and go around banging papa's new car hahhhhhhhh
-watch all the shows ive missed
-get a PROPER SEXY PHONE. qwerty (not touch screen ew), good camera, radio, music player, wifi, internet, applications. in essence, combining a black berry + iphone.
this is ALMOST the longest blog post ive ever written in my history (not this blog alone). id promise to start interspersing pictures in the next posts. prefably those of food. so much accumulated over these past few months.
don't get bored by this long draggy post. come back for more and you know there'll be more lovin and trippin'.
see you soon diary.
skall!